Replacing Manipulation with Action

For most of my addiction I spent most of the time trying to figure out a way to convince the people in my life that I was going to get clean and get my life together. I would do this just long enough to regain their trust and support while having every intention to find a better way to control and manage my using. I would use every and any excuse or reason to justify and rationalize why it was ok to take advantage or manipulate those around me, and most of the time it was the people that I cared about the most. I would use the past against my parents and use the guilt that they felt and would trick myself into believing that they were responsible for why I turned out to be an addict. I did whatever it took, and constantly crossed boundaries to get what I needed in order to get loaded. I lost all sense of respect, decency, values, and felt completely detached from my own humanity. I began to see people as a means to an end, and everything became a transaction. Even in recovery, there are still times when I find myself being manipulative. I’ve had to learn that if I want the people in my life to actually trust me that I need to practice honesty and assertiveness. I don’t have to con or deceive anyone into doing things for me because I have found it within myself to put forth the action in order to get the results that I want. I’m grateful that I can have open and honest relationships with my family where they don’t have to walk on eggshells and wonder if I’m being genuine and honest. It is a huge relief that I no longer have to take the people in my life for granted and know that I need to continue working on my recovery so that I can be aware of when I am falling back into old patterns.