Authentic Self-Expression

As I get older, I’m really just attempting to get to a more honest version of myself, authentic self-expression. To express yourself honestly, now that’s really hard to do (without lying to yourself). In order to function as a drug addict, I had to be dishonest with myself and others. Lies are inherent to all addicts. I had to lie to myself in order to get through the day. I would tell myself that I knew better and that I didn’t need to ask for help.  I lied to myself saying that I wasn’t “An addict” and I needed drugs for “My clinical depression.  If I had been honest with myself, I would have been more kind to myself. I would have seen that I was lost; that I needed to reach out and ask for help; that comparing my addiction to others only strengthens my ignorance; and that I desperately needed to get out of my own way. Sobriety has shown me how much I have been searching for the truth. I see that there is integrity in asking for the truth. I may not get the answers I want, or even like, but that’s how it goes. The truth is rarely pretty, but it’s the price you pay for the “sit on the bench in the sun” type of clarity. All I can do is be as honest with myself as I can and hope that one day it will get easier. That one day I will be sitting in the sun, on a park bench enjoying the silence, finally realizing that everything is ok.