Differentiation-Uncharted Territory

Differentiation is about holding onto yourself despite your emotional state; being aware of your emotions while taking the time to fully understand why or what you are feeling, enabling yourself to react to a situation properly while regulating the emotions you feel in a positive way. This has been a big struggle in my life since I was a child. I had a false sense that I needed to be “The Rock” for everyone in my life. I learned to never show my emotions, appearing as if I had a hard exterior while suppressing my emotions to be “The Rock” for everyone else but myself.   As I got older, I became less differentiated and I completely lost myself. I became codependent in my relationships, moving towards people in an effort to feel loved and accepted.  This caused confusion, resentment, and anger, leading me down a spiral of depression.  Because I was so undifferentiated, I didn’t know how to process my emotions. It was uncharted territory.  I did what I could to not feel but eventually this led me to hit my rock bottom through using and drinking or doing whatever I could to not feel or to feel better in the moment. To truly feel was a scary thing for me. Being here at South Orange County Detox and Treatment I’m learning that it’s ok to feel all of my emotions, whether positive or negative. I’m learning to express my emotions in a healthy way rather than to react or avoid things out of fear. I’m also beginning to understand that what makes a person truly strong is the ability to feel, not to hide from it.