Feeling Worthy of Love

On one hand I feel like I haven’t been shown a lot of love throughout my life, and on the other I feel like I have been shown more love than I deserve. Sometimes I think that maybe if I was shown more love and care while I was growing up, then maybe I wouldn’t have turned out to be a drug addict. But at the same time, I’m not even sure my mom could have loved me more if she tried. I think it’s really easy when someone is in the position of being stuck in the cycle of addiction for over a decade to not blame everyone around them. I think the truth is that if I loved myself, then I never would have found myself in this position. It has been really hard for me to look in the mirror and not hate the person who is staring back. I know I will never get better if I don’t learn to overcome self-loathing. Hopefully, through continued effort in my recovery, I will one day be ok with myself. I’m beginning to understand that my past is written in stone, but my story can only be changed through action. I feel more worthy of the love that I receive each passing day in sobriety. I hope one day I am able to give back the same kind of love that has been shown to me.