Surviving Drug Addiction

According to the Bible, In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. It’s states that He created the birds of the air, the beasts of the field, and He looked at his creation and he saw that it was good. And then God created man, and it’s been downhill ever since. The story goes on to say that God created man in his own image, but that’s hard to imagine. After all, God made the sun and the moon and the stars, and all man makes is trouble. Most of us addicts aren't known for being warm and cuddly. More often than not while using, and early on in recovery, we’re arrogant, impatient, mean... not very God-like if you ask me. You’d think we wouldn't have friends, because who could stand us? We’re not living in congruence with our true-self. Yet paradoxically this desire for a sense of belonging can result in less authenticity because we’re trying to impress others or fit in. All we want is a connection to others, but we can’t truly have a sense of belonging when we’re not ourselves. 

In active addiction I had to continuously reinvent myself, almost every minute, because my world could (and would) change in an instant – and there was no time for looking back. Sometimes the changes were forced on me. Sometimes they happened by accident and I had to make the most of them. I had to constantly come up with new ways to ‘fix’ myself. So, I changed, I adapted, I created new versions of myself that usually weren’t consistent with my true-self or in line with my morals and values. Addict or not, there’s constant pressure to adapt to changes. It can be a painful process. But without it, you’ll find yourself moving backwards instead of forwards.  But now that I’m in recovery, I’m always trying to ensure this new version is an improvement over the last, that it’s authentic. Enlightenment is a destructive process; it takes away all you think you know. It’s a blessing that feels like an injustice, and for me one that will likely last a lifetime. It’s not one ‘aha’ moment, it’s a continual process – one step forward, two steps back. I’m constantly learning, like an infant, because essentially that’s what I am early on in recovery; I’m being reborn.  It might be hard for us to admit, but there’s no shame in simply being human. It can be a relief to stop hiding, to accept who you are. A little self-awareness never hurt anyone. Because when you know who you are it’s easier to know what you’re about and what you really need.