Finding Self-Love In Addiction Recovery

My self-esteem is something that is broken within me. It is something that I hide deep inside with a facade of confidence. I used to feel that if I showed others that I ‘m not ok, it would mean having to be vulnerable and weak. My inner-self has always been aware of this, but my false-self has prevented me from being honest with those around me. All of this stemmed from childhood where I felt that I was never good enough. I felt that my thoughts didn’t matter and that there was no time for me in this world. Can you imagine telling a child that? The answer for most would be “no”. However, this was never directly told to me but it was repeatedly shown to me. Growing up my parents were never around much as they were always working. When they were around, I constantly found myself stuck in the middle of their issues and I always had to make sure my younger sister was taken care of. As I got older, I started to get picked on and was told that it “didn’t matter”! That I just needed to “ignore it” and I would be “fine”! I was even compared to my own sister and blamed for things I didn’t do. I never even had a birthday with friends over. By the time I was fifteen, my family stopped celebrating my birthday all-together. It has taken me a long time to understand my upbringing. Can you see how these childhood messages have affected my self-esteem?

As I strive for personal growth in recovery, I’ve had a hard time telling myself that I matter. I’m working on showing myself love, remembering daily to affirm myself. I no longer need to look to others to show me what I’m worth and what I deserve. To those out there who may be struggling with this, just know that you are your own worst and best critic and that you are loved.