Managing My Anxiety in Sobriety
For as long as I can remember, I always felt different than others. As a child the belt to my pants always had to be secured in the last and tightest hole. My shoelace bows had to be directly proportionate to each other. Studying for tests would send me into such a panic that I would memorize chapters word for word so that I knew I would do well. Feeling different began to feel normal for me once I began to understand the way my brain worked. As I reflect on my life, I am now able to see that anxiety and OCD have always been a part of me. The anxiety and depression from my OCD are what eventually led me down the rabbit’s hole.
I still struggle with dual diagnosis issues in sobriety, but it is how I have learned to cope with them that makes life more enjoyable. Surfing was my cure. I could paddle out into the ocean at any time and all of life’s baggage would be set at shore. After a back injury, my motivation to surf became less and less. Today it is almost nonexistent. Like the obsession of using while in active addiction, is the obsession of many things for myself in sobriety. If I find myself obsessive over negative thoughts, I often can feel myself begin to spiral out of control. It is in these critical moments that I am learning to redirect, as hard as it can be at the time. I tend to do very well if I am obsessive towards something positive in my life. I’m learning to find balance and not completely play into my thoughts, whether good or bad, productive, or nonproductive. It can be disheartening knowing that I must maintain my mental health at all times as the stress can be a big enough trigger to start feeling hopeless in my sobriety. Today, I have good days and I have bad days. I still am in search for my calling, but I try to live in gratitude and help others who may be struggling along the way.