Blame & Guilt In Grief

For myself, grief has always been accompanied by guilt. I have never allowed myself to recover from the losses I have experienced throughout my life. I find myself stuck in the illusion of “what if” or “if only”, as if every loss I have experienced has taken a small piece of me. My guilt keeps me trapped in a permanent stage of denial. My unhealthy ways of coping have distanced me from all those I have wished to grow close to. I have become closed off to all, out of fear of the pain of loss. Ironically, my greatest regret after experiencing loss, is the love I wish I had shown. Such trials of loss have always been a testament of my faith. Blaming God has always been easy for me. It brings resolve to circumstances that are unexplainable. The reality is that not all questions have answers, and there is something beautiful in that. God is good, God is loving, and God hears every unspoken word of the broken heart. I know I must allow myself the opportunity to properly grieve and heal, as do we all. I know there will come a day in which my desire to connect will be greater than my fear of abandonment.