Fear of Change

Throughout life I was conditioned with a plethora of negative traits.  I never gave myself the chance to break free from or change the self-defeating behaviors and thoughts that plagued my existence.  I was passive, distrusting, promiscuous, selfish and self-loathing to name a few.  I had become so used to being a victim of all these deceptive brain messages and seeking relief in immediate, temporary and unhealthy ways that I was stuck in an endless downward spiral which I knew would end in only two ways – death or wanting death.  I knew I had to change my ways but I was afraid. I was afraid and uncomfortable at the idea of facing myself and who I have devolved into.  I had to learn how to surrender to something greater than myself – for my will wouldn’t suffice.  I had to be willing to humble myself and receive guidance.  But that idea seemed so foreign and the thought of change and uncertainty burdened me.  I’ve made progress in leaps and bounds however I still find myself afraid of change at times.  It can be difficult.  It can be uncomfortable to be someone I hadn’t been.  Facing myself and others gave, and still gives me fear, anxiety and nervousness but I try to push through it because I know I must have integrity.  No longer are the days of being selfish and putting myself and the drugs first.  No longer can I use others as a means to a selfish end.  No longer can I remain passive when I hear or see things that piss me off.  But I couldn’t do any of this without knowing I’m not alone – that I have a purpose and fate I must meet.  Of course this hasn’t come overnight or over the course of a year – it’s a lifetime of awareness and mindfulness and today I accept that.  Today I accept that fear, change, highs, lows and uncertainty will forever be there, but today I’m not alone.